I thought vengeance was true justice. I swore to live the path of vengeance.Vengeance was my reasonfor being. Because I thought vengeance was my only salvation…
I couldn’t die until I had my revenge. That was how I was able to endure those harsh days.No matter how ugly and filthy I came out the other end …
I was able to cling to life.
If I could have my revenge, I thought I didn’t care about what would happen to me.
But after I regained my memories from my life in Japan… I started to believe that vengeance might be evil.
But the flames of hatred still burned viciously in my chest.
My past and present selves, and their opposing personalities and values, contradicted each other and clashed.
Eventually, the fusion of those personalities created a new way of thinking.
Seeking an answer to the contradiction, seeking happiness in an unattainable past, seeking meaning in an unsalvageable death…
I started to scream soundlessly.
Unable to see ahead of me, scared and unsure of what is right, unable to reveal my ugly self to anyone…
Then, even someone like me began to feel happiness. The happiness I had lost in the past-my salvation-had taken on the same form and was surprisingly close by.
Warm to the touch, reassuring to be with, and comforting to be near… It wasn’t the exact same thing, but it was a beacon to me all the same.
That was why, each time I touched that happiness, each time I saw that happiness, the hatred burning in my chest flickered just a bit. I wanted to touch that warm happiness forever.
But I couldn’tforget my painful past. I couldn’t avert my eyes from the unpleasant reality. Because if I forgot, if I averted my eyes…
I felt like I would forget the happiness I had lost as well. Because it felt like I would be sealing away my precious happiness along with the problem.
Because it felt like I would be lying to myself I was scared of forgetting.
Because I was a coward, I couldn’t avert my eyes.
That’s why I swore, on that day in my parents’ homeland …
I could carry that contradiction with me.
I could keep screaming soundlessly.
In order to bring salvation to the past, I’d sacrifice the present and future. Until the day I had my revenge, I would dedicate my life to living this way.
Even now, that hasn’t changed. Even now, though the happiness that shines grows stronger each day, I have no intention of changing that way of living.
Even if the.flames of hatred burning in my chestflickered strongly, I couldn’t change that.
Even if there was no happiness waiting for me after my vengeance…
It didn’t matter if I couldn’t be happy, as long as the one precious to me was happy instead. That would be my punishment for the crime I was trying to commit-and it would also be my justification.
Thinking of it that way made things a little easier. However, that was a contradiction in itself That was why my soundless scream grew louder.
Both my happiness, and the happiness of the one precious to me, grew further out of reach.
And yet, even then…
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